The Lesson
Pleasure increases when pressure drops. Many women experience stronger, more consistent orgasms when they’re not trying to “get there” and feel genuinely appreciated, relaxed, and unhurried.
How to get there
- Let go of the goal
Frame sex as exploration, not achievement. Orgasms are welcome, but not required. - Remove pressure (on both sides)
Communicate clearly that it’s not about performance. This can include using phrases like “I just want to enjoy this with you” or “There’s nothing you have to do or prove.” - Try the ‘timer’ technique
Set a 15-20 min timer with no small talk or reciprocation. One partner gives, the other receives-no pressure, no expectations, just focused pleasure. - Make it clear you enjoy giving
Say it. Show it. Often. Pleasure for its own sake feels safer when your partner truly believes you’re enjoying giving it. - Minimise self-consciousness
Offer specific, genuine compliments. Appreciation-especially unprompted and outside the bedroom – helps many women relax and enjoy their bodies.
How to talk about it
Do ask:
- “How does it feel if we try focusing only on your pleasure for a bit?”
- “Would it help to take orgasm off the table tonight?”
- “Can I show you how much I love giving to you, no pressure?”
- “What helps you get out of your head during sex?”
- “How do you feel about trying a timer session sometime – just to relax?”
Avoid:
- “Are you close?”
- “What can I do to make you come?”
- “Is this taking too long?”
- “Why don’t you just let go?”
- “Do you prefer giving because you don’t like receiving?”